Koh Samui Hotels in Chaweng Beach

Scratch the sand, find a spa. Koh Samui spa resorts are all over the island like a rash threatening to exfoliate visitors alive and deposit them ankle deep in jet-fresh Deep Sea mud. Mumbai crud would have been cheaper and richer of aroma, but that perhaps is not strictly kosher. On Ko Samui, Thailand, the most active denizens are the monkeys. Turn anywhere and you'll spot the ubiquitous, heart-warming sign - "Monkey work coconut". There is even a dedicated Monkey Theatre. I am glad to report this is not a drag show with Wonderbras and red lipstick though we would certainly pay to see that. I also came across some tigers - behind a hotel reception counter. Apparently they do a show too.

Despite the Ko Samui hotel building boom - and the hard-working apes and big cats - things are resoundingly quiet. One reason could be that most tourist draws on the island are rocks. For starters there's Hin Ta and Hin Yai (Grandfather and Grandmother Rocks), the former a proud and naturally phallic landmark. The delightfully rustic Tamarind Retreat is dominated by a characterful boulder, emulated by the Eranda Spa - which didn't have a rock so they created an artificial one. And so on.

However, the Central Samui Beach Resort is a grand colonnaded establishment straight out of Gone With The Wind with a huge grass lawn offering a counterpoint to the stark white building. The pool area is right on the beach. The sea is swimmable even at low tide. Central Samui Beach Resort is a civilised and comfortable option for families or those looking for something more mainstream with a good spa to boot. There is a dive centre, tennis, children's pool and play area. The rooms and suites have parquet flooring, balconies and large beds with silk bed-runners. There is room to swing a cat by the tail. Parking space is ample too.

Else, Chaweng Beach is all shopping, neon, glitz, girlie bars and restaurants. At campy transvestite cabarets like Christy's there are ladies that aren't and the humungous Green Mango disco sets the place throbbing late at night.

If you need a place to dump your kids, check out The Playroom (tel: 230-626) an activity centre with toys, sleeping rooms, TV, video, child toilets and other amenities. It is open from 9am-10pm every day and handles children from two to nine years. The price is Bt150 per hour per child. The place is not as sharp as when it started. No credit cards.

Sightseeing and activities can range from a boat trip to (and dives around) the stunning Ang Thong Marine Park to frantic go-karting at Samui Go-Kart (Bophut, tel: 425-097) and paintball war games and buggy rides at Quads and Paintball (Maenam, tel: [01] 371-0744). Other possible stops might take in the two waterfalls (Namuang and Hin Lad), the Big Buddha at Bophut and Wat Kunaram (to view a mummified monk).